“At least you’re not pregnant” the nurse said as she gave me a look of relief after reading my pee sample.
She did not know that I had been extra sleepy that week and slightly more stomach problems than usual - to which I had convinced myself in this exact moment the nurse would be all grins saying the opposite - “you’re pregnant!”
Why she did not see “infertility” as my reason for coming in, I will never know. For some reason, all my words failed as I finished my appointment saying the least amount possible with my head lowered.
I got to the car and called Dustin, mainly factual and upset, just a little emotional.
Then on the way to work I heard “Even If” by MercyMe for the first time.... AND SOBBED.
I called mom while sitting in a parking lot for over an hour with every emotion coming out - ready to pounce this probably sweet nurse who made an innocently mistaken comment (albeit inappropriate considering the setting).
I got to work sometime after lunch just mentioning a rough morning to the coworkers when they kindly asked if I was okay.
FAST. FORWARD. ONE. YEAR.
This morning I did somewhere around 18 loads of laundry for my now family of five, basic pick up of shoes, cars, and my little ponies, set up doctor’s appointments for all three kids, contacted two case workers, planned out my now flexible work schedule around court dates and therapy, picked up my son for speech therapy and sat down to write this blog and my grocery list in 30 minutes before leaving to purchase said groceries and pick up the other kids.
WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED?!
There is a reason God has allowed me to feel the pain of yearning and the joy of abundance when it comes to children all within such a short time line - and honestly I think we are only at the beginning of understanding what He has planned for us in all of this.
But let’s not downplay God hearing the desires of your heart and lavishly giving - pressed down, shaken together, overflowing.
For a year, the song “Even If” made me tear up or burst into tears whenever it came on. As I drove to speech today the song “Even If” came on again - but an entirely different emotion came to the surface.
Gratitude.
Gratitude for my new car that holds my big family now. Gratitude for the little feet kicking my seat. And yes, even gratitude for the pain I experienced (and occasionally still experience) in order to help others and to make life that much sweeter.
Last year I got to the point where everything would finally be okay when I found out I was pregnant - my life being complete as a mom.
But that is not true. Do not mark your life as “complete” when one simple desire of yours happens to come true — this life God gives us is such a journey, do not give up on the first place you visit!
Whatever you ache for today – do not let it consume you (and I know that is easier said than done).
I ached for a baby this year - and I have had the blessing to be mom to four children now.
God WILL abundantly bless when you ABUNDANTLY trust.
I do not know how to wrap this one up guys - because it is not a finished thought yet. It is not a finished life yet. And yours is not finished yet either!
——--------------- and may I be so bold as to say this, right here in the middle of World Suicide Prevention Day today (recently having to understand the depths of this in the emotions of our foster children): if you find yourself aching to end your life - wait. Abundantly trust for just a little longer. Allow people to seep into your life and love you. Allow God to work. The ache might be overwhelming in this present moment but oh the joy that is waiting in this upcoming season.
I want this word hug to reach deeper today.
You are not alone.
Your story is not done.
You are loved.
So incredibly loved.
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