I planned something completely different for my second blog post, but this is tugging, so someone needs to hear this. Whoever you are sweet friend - here is my word hug just for you.
I hate pregnancy tests.
I am really good at convincing myself of pregnancy symptoms each month - but I usually never take a test, because if I am patient a few more days - Mother Nature will always show her face.
But this month was different. I had actual symptoms - just let me convince myself further (insert face palm). For the first time in maybe 8 months I decided to take a pregnancy test.
3 minutes of adrenaline and the fastest planning you could ever imagine.... crash. I do not have a picture of that test because the second I threw it in my bathroom trash, I took it to our big trash and pushed it to the bottom. (For the record, I only use dollar tree ones {budget}, but Walgreens was closer for a picture. Hah!)
Should’ve known better - my subconscious snickered.
Wanna know the other phrases that hurt?
“At least you have two kids now!”
“Look at all the good you are doing with fostering!”
“At least you have a chance to get pregnant!”
“Let me tell you about my friend who went through the same thing....”
Ugh.
Everyone means well and to be honest I have probably said those same things to someone else.
It does not stop the pain, it does not ease the hurt, the jealousy is strong, the random anger that is unbecoming rears it’s ugly head, and I realize there is this little side of me I do not like — all because of a silly plastic stick I peed on this morning.
Where do you go from here?
Where and how does this hurt turn into a platform to fulfill the destiny you know God has for you?
I can not answer that for you, nobody can answer that for you. I feel like I have found my path - I love being a foster momma (although it drains me at times) and I love using my gift of words to encourage others, but it does not make all my flawed emotions disappear.
Press into God. Press into a prayer life that is raw with emotions. Press into people who love you unconditionally.
You may never know the seeds you plant in others by sharing your struggles. The hurt may never go away - but you will see where that hurt has become meaningful. And it may never be for you, you may never see the flower that blossoms, or obtain the desires of your heart. It will be worth it though.
Go listen to “Even If” by MercyMe. There were months that the first strums of this song would lead to me sobbing in my car.
Even if God doesn’t answer this prayer, my hope will always be in Him.
Here’s my permission to cry, to be raw.
You are not alone.