You know what I have shoved deep down inside of me for years? Fear of failure.
My husband and mom gently handed the mirror to this side of me this past weekend - and I do not want this to be my platform. I do not want to be raw about this. I do not want this quality or have to admit it. I DO NOT WANT IT!
*pull it together Rachel*
I can handle adults. Old, grumpy, demented, senile ones are my favorite. (I am an OT in the nursing home setting if you didn’t know!) I will stand up against anyone and am not afraid to stand up for what I believe in.
But kids? Why in the world are these beautiful little innocent people the ones that break me down? Where is this anger coming from? I have sobbed over having children - yet now they are pushing me to the point of mental breakdown. (Only a teensy exaggerated.)
Why is it I feel like a failure? Well because I have not been able to foster and nurture six years of hurt, fear, and confusion from a child’s past - spin it into what I view as a respectable child that fits in my perfect world - and spit out an amazing member of society within a month’s time frame.
Go ahead, laugh. It’s kind of funny.
Why am I allowing the visible proof of someone else’s pain from a lifetime of hurt determine my success as a mother?
I know better. I have a minor in psychology, a masters in a career built on mental health, I have an incredible faith, a strong husband and family on both sides, an amazing support system of friends, and honestly? One of my favorite things is the way social media and this blog have brought so many people to cheer my family on and pray for us!
So why is there a fear of failure hidden beneath my surface when I have such a big safety net?
Just maybe, if I may be so bold... it is the same reason it is hidden beneath YOUR surface.
The painful rawness of this post is that I have not overcome this stumbling block yet. My “perfect world” for these children may not be within the perspective I understand, and I have to have faith when we are not the perfect home either.
I can not let my fear of failure hold me back in giving the most I can to the most people.....
And neither can you.
Step out in faith. Better yet, fail. THEN get back up again. I will help you brush off the dirt if you do the same for me.
“It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails”
1 Corinthians 13:7-8